Things I've gotten used to in Canada

An ever growing list:

• Looking left when crossing the street
• Yellow school buses
  
• People looking at me weirdly when I greet them with 'kia ora'
  
• Canadians sounding like Australians when they imitate the New Zealand accent
  
• Filthy, diseased-looking squirrels everywhere
  
• Maple leaves
  
• Not paying what the price is, because tax is added on top
• Then calculating what 15% of the price is in my head, in order to pay a tip on top again!
  
• One way streets all over the place - a dream for jay walking!
  
• Dual packaging and billboards (French)
• Asking for a key to go to the toilet : (
  
• Public transport actually being good
• Drivers stopping their cars when you jaywalk anywhere
  
• Newly met people asking me if I know Flight of the Conchords
• Buying main household supplies from the 'drug store' - actually
• Getting a tonne of change in one or five cent pieces : (
• People thinking my name is Mitt or Mett or Nit.
• Pronouncing words with an accentuated 'R'...eg. Butterrrrrr, Charrrrrrlotte, Weirrrrrrd
• People on the street asking me for 25 cents to fix a medical problem

Boom!

In Search of Whoopi Goldberg

My travels brought me to New Orleans. I was there over a weekend, so on the sunday I went searching for a church you'd see in Sister Act. I wasn't really interested in the church, I just wanted to see Whoopi Goldberg. I think she'd be the sort of person who'd welcome me with a huge smile and give me a very massive but warmly comforting hug - and say 'Nice to see you, honey' [big smile]

Yeah.

I didn't find that type of church with a funky choir nor did I find my friend Whoopi, but I did find a church of about forty people - all of them black - about an hours walk from town.

I stuck out like the stuffing in an Oreo.

They welcomed me warmly, offered me donuts + drinks, and let me watch the big-deal, local football game with them. I asked them heaps of questions about Katrina (hurricane), teased one another with them and shared many a laugh about life. I also taught the kids a new handshake and then watched their cute little faces explode like fireworks.

It was then that it hit me like a frisbee to the head.

I want to be black!

Black people make everything look cool - college marching bands, lawyers with glasses, obese tuba players. In Samoa the locals who donned a 'man-bag' were cool, but trying to replicate that back home you get called a homo....and I'm not talking about the sapiens type.

Plus these guys at the New Orleans church had a warmth that was so genuine, so raw, yet so beautiful. Nothing was fake, most things were acceptable and everything was funny. Even if it was themselves. Do you think the Old Spice ads would be as popular if they were done with a high talking Mexican or a Texan cowboy wearing cargo pants?

I may not have found my old mate Whoopi, but I did find smiles, warmth and a welcoming embrace - which is just what a foreign city made me want.
Either there's a Whoopi in all of us, or else the thing that made Whoopi come to life in the film still lives on in churches no matter where you are.

Your call.

In Search of Canadian Culture

Before I left New Zealand I was told that Canadians only have three spices: Salt, pepper and tomato sauce. Now that I have been here I can say that this is wrong - they have five...Salt, pepper, tomato sauce, ranch and honey mustard.

Indeed it is true.

First things first, we have to get the pronunciation of 'ranch' done correctly.
If you ask for 'ranch' but make it rhyme with 'lunch', then you will not get what you are asking for. They will probably think that you are mocking Asian people pronouncing lunch. You might get an item of Hello Kitty.

If, however, you pretend that you are a powerful chainsaw or a southern hillbilly, you will get closer to saying it correctly. The 'a' in 'ranch' needs to sound like a new born lamb.

Secondly we have to clarify that I have not spent the last three months living in a Subway restaurant, but in actual fact Ranch and Honey Mustard are standard items at the dinner table.

I know.

This is weird.

The upside to this, however, is that it allows Canadian people to eat celery, carrots, cucumber and raw cauliflower. I mean, who would ever want to taste the juiciness of celery or the crunchiness of carrots on their own when you can wade them in honey mustard?

Yum.

And much more healthy.

Culture is a weird thing.

So too are brands.

There are so many brands over here that we haven't even heard of back home...like Hollister, American Eagle and Old Navy.

And Old Spice!

Yes! You know the red deodorant in the supermarket that sits on the bottom shelf that only your grandpa wears? Well it is HUGE in Canada and is much more than a brand...it is almost a lifestyle! I swear, I have never seen such a cult following for a bottle of faint-smelling antiperspirant. Whenever the name is mentioned there is more applause and cheering than if the All Blacks were to beat the Wallabies.

Amazing.

Maybe the All Blacks should start wearing Old Spice and they'd have two nations of fans. How could they lose the World Cup next year if they had 37 million fans cheering for them?!

Yes, cunning.

Graham Henry, my advice to you is to run with this strategy before Robbie Deans reads my blog. Cos if you don't, you'll be sitting in the coach's seat next year sweating about the result...

...and then you'll be wishing you were wearing your Old Spice.

What is camp really like?

So, heaps of people have been asking me:

"What is camp like?"

and I say:

"Good"

Other people have been asking:

"What is Canada like?"

and I say:

"Good"

For some reason people aren't too satisfied with such a short answer. That leads me to thinking that the following equation should be taught in Form 3 maths:

General question = General answer

or

(General question) x 2 = 2 x (General answer). Who said Maths was irrelevant for real life?

So for those people who are actually really interested but can't be bothered dreaming up any specific questions, I am going to give you a glimpse of what camp has been like.

So here it is.

Matt Browning's Camp Stat Attack:

- # of campers: ~400

- # of staff: ~220

- # of meals a day: 3

- # of dishes the 'dishpit crew' wash daily: heaps and heaps

- # of campers in my cabin each week: 10

- distance between each dining room round-table (in cm): 4

- width of my massively-muscly thighs (in cm): 14

- extra time taken to get seconds of meals for my campers because I'm squeezing inbetween tables (per meal, in seconds): 180

- # of kiwis at camp: 8

- % of Canadians who believe a 'kiwi' is a kiwifruit: 100% *

- # of Aussies at camp: 8

- ratio of Aussies to non-kiwifruit Kiwis: 1:1

- # of people who consistently quote "Beached As Bro" to me: 3

- # of times I want to hear "Beached As Bro" again: 0

- time taken to wash the dirt off my feet because I've only worn jandals all day (in seconds): 180

- amount of time taken to wash feet versus the time taken to get seconds for meals: the same

- # of days I long for a massage because I've given so many piggy-back rides: every day

- # of mice that I have killed from my cabin: 7

- # of awesome people at camp that I don't want to say goodbye to: 53 (and counting)

- % of Canadians who can't tell the difference between 'beard' and 'bed': 15%

- amount of abuse I have received for taking too many photos and/or videos: too much

- # of cans of root beer that haven't tasted like either medicine or toothpaste: 0

- current energy level [out of 10]: 4.8

- expected energy level in September: 0.3

- amount of fun had so far: plenty

For the first four weeks I was a counsellor for kids who were either 11 or 14 years old. Now for the next four weeks I will be counselling 16 year olds who are training to be counsellors. It will be good times!

I have also just had three days off because we are mid-way through camp. I went to a place called Tofino, which is kind of like Raglan. Four of us went surfing, jumped off a 9 metre cliff, camped in a tent on the beach, visited a friend's pet Iguana (5 foot long) and had lots of barrels of laughs along the way. Many, many good times are being had in Canada.

Missing lots from back home, but especially cheese that isn't orange, watching the All Blacks dominate in the tri-nations and not having to add Tax and Tips onto the bottom of every transaction - on top of the quoted price.

I may be stuffed, I may be stretched but I am having a riot.

Until next communique,

Matt

* For instance: "Strawberry and Kiwi flavoured milkshakes"!! Yes, I know. Deeply offensive.

My first month at camp

So, I have been at camp in Canada for a month. I have completed a week of staff training, a camp for 14 year olds and then two camps for 11 year olds, with little over 20 hours 'rest' in between. At all three camps I have had 10 campers with another (younger) counsellor joining me - but I am exhausted. However I have been working hard to fulfill my promise of making a video montage at the end of camp so you get a better picture of what exactly I have been doing. That will come in September.

In the meantime, I thought I would update you with new words I have added to my vocabulary:

 - candy (lollies)

 - washroom (bathroom)

 - swimsuit (togs)

 - flipflops (jandals)

 - flashlight (torch)

 - pop (fizzy drink)

 - supper (dinner. Supper is never anything other than dinner)

 - nappies (ramekins, or, small bowls)

 - tuck (afternoon tea that consists of only candy)

 - dack (deck, because our 'e's sound like 'i's. An important one to get right, as I found out when I said 'we always eat supper on the deck')

Obviously if you're a kiwi you know both meanings (except for perhaps nappies), but I write this list because I have dropped the bracketed words from my vocab! I am horrified at how quickly I am speaking like a North American! From now until September I am going to change that....I am only going to use the word in the brackets and teach my campers a bit of culture! They will need to learn my lingo.

Other highlights from camp:

 - everyone automatically presumes I am an Australian. My favourite was when I offered to carry the luggage instead of the camper's father doing it. 

He said 'thank you' and I said 'no worries'. 

That was the extent of our introductions. 

He looked at me as if he was not only the cleverist but also the funniest father in history, and said: 

'How can you tell if an Australian is bi-lingual?' 

[I paused for a second or two for the punchline] and he said 

'They say "no worries, eh".' 

I was like 'oh, ha ha ha [fake laughter], that's a good one......[two second pause for my punchline].....but I'm a New Zealander. 

He didn't get it.

Also, late at night when all 'flashlights' were out, one of my cheeky 11 year old campers asked me if Easter was just a pagan fertility festival. 

Before I could answer, one of the other campers asked what fertility meant.

Again, before I could answer, the cheeky 11 year old said the following:

"In agricultural terms, if soil is very fertile it means it will produce a lot of crops. [then, with a very large, cheeky grin on his face said] Don't ask me what it means for women."

Gold.

Every day consists of some of the following:

 - Wakeboarding/water skiing/inflatables in the water

 - Challenge Course

 - Skateboarding

 - Archery

 - Field or Court sports (eg. soccer or basketball)

 - Mountain boarding (skateboarding down mountains)

 - Carpetball (google it)

 - Cheesy music

 - Candy

 - Christian speaker

 - Lots of food (600 people at camp - 200 staff, 400 campers - imagine being the chef!)

 - No dishes!! (imagine being the people who wash the dishes!)

I have run the archery, mountain boarding and soccer activities. It's been a sweet deal.

Anyway. I am going to go and sleep. 

Peace out, A town.

The start of blogging.

This is the start of me blogging about my overseas adventures. To be honest I am a little embarrassed to say that I am now a blogger...It kind of feels like I have just traded my soul for a piece of pizza. A cold, flavourless piece of Hawaiian pizza. Who was the first person to think of putting pineapple on pizza anyway? It better have been a Hawaiian person, or else I'm going to feel like I have been deceived through all of my life. Imagine if the inventor was from Samoa, or Fiji? They would be gutted. If I create a pizza I'm going to call it something so specific and unique so that noone else can take credit for it. Like the Hawaiians. Not that I have anything against them.

Until I find out that they didn't invent the Hawaiian pizza.

This is why blogs are bad for me. If I ramble in real life then how much more likely am I to ramble on a blog. Blogs should have anti-ramble monitors; just for me.

Anyway, I owe the name of Matters Abroad to Felicity Leys, from Apropos design agency, Parnell. If you are in need of a good design agency, I can highly recommend them. www.apropos.co.nz. If you don't like the name then don't judge them on that alone. They have done other good stuff too.

My first real blog about Canada will come later. To be honest right now my head is in a state of disarray from looking after 30 kids in three weeks, with only a few hours of rest in between. Let me assemble myself and then 'blog' (ramble) again.

Until next time.